I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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