Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize