brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize