false alarm. still invincible.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
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The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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