I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
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he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Houston, we have a squirter
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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