Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
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I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
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I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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