Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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