your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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