I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
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I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
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She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The air taste purple.
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