I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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