its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize