Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
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There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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