I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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