dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
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