you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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