I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
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I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
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but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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