you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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