do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize