fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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