worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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