I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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