shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize