Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
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I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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