I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
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