Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
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Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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