You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
someone owes me an orgasm
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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