I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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