You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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