he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
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I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
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Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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