dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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