I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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