Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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