why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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