i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
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It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
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He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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