So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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