i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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