i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
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Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
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I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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