Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
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