my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
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while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
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She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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