She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
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When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
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She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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