You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize