You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
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I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
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With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
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