I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
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I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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