My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
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drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
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i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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