Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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