im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
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Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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