Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
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Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
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I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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