i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
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No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
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Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
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