you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
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after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
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Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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