Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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